question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
