First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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