Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
