My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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