Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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