Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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