I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
