come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
