my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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