dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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