so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
