I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm passing your future prison.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
