remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
