walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
