peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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