I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We need to get me chipped asap
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
