When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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