Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
