dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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