cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
third nipple confirmed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
