I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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