and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
