is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Found the puke drawer
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
the liver wants what the liver wants
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
