She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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