i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
