I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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