She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We just shotgunned beers for America
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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