You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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