Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
