I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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