ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
