drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
