You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
