I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I wish my penis had an off switch
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
