Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
