Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
