i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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