i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
