After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
