I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
