Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
