I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
