the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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