I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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