Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
