Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
