Kiss
Puke
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
