the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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