Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
