I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
