he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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